I defied my family to thwasa

Going against the grain is my default setting. Even when I do not need to be oppositional and defiant, I will be.

My decision to undergo intwaso (initiation) regardless of my somewhat oppositional Christian upbringing is consistent with my nature. I am certain that those who truly know me would have fully known that given the choice between colonial Christian practice and traditional African spirituality, I’d go the traditional African route.

Feminism(s) empowered me with the language to explain why my decisional and behavioral patterns tend to challenge or act in resistance to the norm. The norm, in accordance with my religious Apostolic/Adventist upbringing, would have been to pray the demons that are ancestors away.

Had I been a “good” and obedient Christian girl I don’t think I would’ve even made sense of my physiological symptoms and dreams along the axis of ingulo yesintu (the calling). I would never even have thought to be implicated by ingulo yesintu even though I was very clearly dreaming of myself as a sangoma wearing beads and imbola (red ochre). I probably would have consulted a Christian leader, explained my situation and undergone a process of deliverance... or whatever.

Facing ingulo yesintu was entirely a very conflicting experience because growing up under the institution that is church I adopted the doctrines of regulation into my day-to-day ife. Even in the absence of the gaze of institutional leaders I regulated myself as though I was being watched. God was watching! It became near instinctual that I would act in the Christian way and hold myself accountable using my faith. As one should!

It was even more conflicting when I decided to bite the bullet by following my instinct and acting on my dreams. At the time, my dreams were incredibly instructional – I would be told to incorporate certain candle combinations when I am praying for certain things. I was still being instructed to pray, which struck a nerve. Why was I still being told to pray, doesn’t this go against God?

Church and religious leaders made being a “good Christian” impossible if one was pursuing any form of traditional calling. Being a good Christian still mattered deeply and so I prayed. Relying once again on faith to keep me accountable. I felt I was failing – vehemently so!

I soon realised that accountability to my faith wasn’t the problem. The institution that governs my faith, that is, church, its agendas and origins come into question for me. I existed in a Christian space that was denialist of rites of passage; imbeleko or any form of ceremony for the benefit of ancestors didn’t exist. Christianity and its insistence on divorcing one from one’s cultural and tribal identity became problematic for me. According to Christianity, my only salient identity was that of a devout Christian. This was my turning point.

I think many Christians who have contended with ingulo yesintu have faced similar conflicts and turning points. My aunt (uMaJama) had a similar experience to mine. She, however, was a lot deeper into Christianity than I ever was. I joked with her the other day about how ridiculously saved she was, that “you couldn’t even look at a person or hear them out when they talked about ancestors. Who would have thought this would be you now?” We laughed.

She too had similar symptoms as mine before ultimately making the decision to thwasa. She decided not to tell her immediate family for fear of ostracisation and being cast out. She told me in confidence and asked me to keep her in my prayers. I obliged.

I told her that she should feel free to contact me on anything that she is unsure of because the spiritual space can be scary and lonely. Fortunately for her, I have walked multiple spiritual journeys – enough to know a thing or two. My new role was to be her protector in prayer and to help.

She contacted me shortly after her first Gobongo in utter awe of how fantastic she felt and how she wished she could’ve listened to her ancestors ages ago. She said she felt lighter spiritually and as though she had finally reached the pinnacle that she needed. She acknowledged that she still had much journeying to complete but she was grateful.

In a recent conversation she said: “I wish I could help all Christians understand that there is nothing satanic or demonic about this, it’s just who we are as black people. We need to acknowledge our own origins and roots and stop only looking at the ancestors of white people offered to us by the bible. I really wish I I had known this sooner, Ziphozam.” She refers to me as Ziphozam as a term of endearment. She is convinced that I am multiple gifts to her.

I acknowledged her and jokingly said: “You don’t listen to your elders.” Which is true. The ancestors (the elders) told her what to do a long time ago and she ignored them. I (also a spiritual elder) also advised her to follow her calling. She had denied the existence of her calling – before ultimately accepting it.

She accepted the calling under sheer duress. As we all do!